None of My Cats Has Ever Said Meow

Yesterday I felt like my right ovary wanted to burst from my body and strangle me with a fallopian tube. Today I couldn’t concentrate on my work because I kept crying at sad love songs, and then felt the need to stuff my face with ice cream.

Twenty years I’ve been bleeding yet only in the past 5 or so have I been having these unhinged periods like the women on TV. I’ve been thinking about that lately. I’ve also been thinking about the fact that none of my cats has ever said meow, and how I think that should be the title of a Smiths song. It should be right up there with “There Is A Light That Never Goes Out”, “Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others”, and “That Joke Isn’t Funny Anymore”.

None of My Cats Has Ever Said Meow.

One of my cats did, however, impersonate a chocobo once. It was either while I was playing Chocobo Hot and Cold in Final Fantasy IX, or when I was talking to the chocobos at the chocobo farm in Final Fantasy VII. Whichever one had an actual sound clip for “kweh.” Anyway, I kept making the chocobos speak, my yellow tabby started walking around the TV questioningly, and eventually uttered the word himself. He said it twice, then never again. I still say kweh to him though. He usually answers with “Ehhhhn!” so I tell him he was made by a warlock in Saskatchewan.

There used to be a beautiful longhair furball in my family who said “we-ee-ee” and “oeuf”. The latter was not surprising, considering he was born on Bastille Day and thus had been given a French name. Sometimes I wonder if we doomed him when we named him Danton. Of course, it wasn’t a Revolutionary Tribunal that ended his life, but a growth in his lungs.

Danton’s sister, Rousseau, has similarly never said meow. She has, surprisingly, said “nyaaa.” Her mother says “braeh” when she wants something and “eahhh!” when she’s angry.

Then there’s the sleek jet-black Halloween cat whom we named after a minor character in the Mexican telenovela adaptation of a certain 1884 American novel that takes place after the Mexican-American War. He says “waaooh” when he wants to be let into my room and “coorrrr!” when he’s surprised and/or scared. He has also been heard saying “ra-raow-raow,” which I suppose is the closest to “meow” that any of these cats have come.

SS on a Lazy Sunday